Where I've been...

It's been a while since I have posted on here, not because nothing exciting has been going on (because it has) but because I have been so busy I have not had any time to blog lately.

My mother came to visit Saturday and we went to David's Bridal to meet with alterations for my wedding gown. This is my first fitting in my gown sicne the first time I tried on dresses here, so i'm nervous to see if it fits right! It's a size 2, and I am not used to wearing such a small size. When the woman tod me she was ordering a size 2 I stood there stunned, because I never believed I would hear those words.

I'm not a vain person by nature, I'm not very focused on body image as much as I probably should be. But I am a female, and I've had 2 kids. I can't really explain why this stunned me like it did, but it jsut did. I think it's because I wore a size 12 while pregnant and even after. I wore at least a size 10 or 8 before pregnancy. I think the last time I wore a small size (size 4) I was in high school. But for years after that I ahd always been careless with my weight and didn't put much thought into it, until the day I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office, 9 months pregnant with my first baby, weighing 207.6 pounds, that it hit me. I DID care. Suddenly I realized I was ina  rut. I didn't want to be 207 pounds, or even remotely near it. I was so uncomfortable, I was constantly out of breath. I was tired all of the time, and when my babya rrived, is til had no energy or stamina to keep up with him.

It wasn't my body image that hit me. It defintiely wasn't the number on the scale either, although at the time I thought that's what it was. But it was my continuing to be disgusted with the shape my body was in, as in I was out of shape. I was exhausted. I was walking to the mailbox and feeling almost winded. I was sick of feeling that way. I wanted to get into shape for my health and for my system, not how I looked.

So, it struck me because I really hadn't been paying much attention to the actual size of my clothes. I just wore what fit. I know wedding gowns tend to run smaller, so it shocked me to hear those words even more, considering.

I suffer from this anorexia thing, I won't call it anoerxia because I don't have an eating disorder, I eat very healthy and get my nutrients and vitamins, but I ahve this imprinted image in my head, where I always SEE the fat me, ratehr than the body I've accomplished. In spite of all the weight loss and muscle tone, I still see myself negatively sometimes.